First up, Kite with Go Girl Glo:

Someone gave me a can of Go-Girl Glo.  This drink claims to ‘promote healthy skin’ somehow, as well as having less caffeine andcalories than most other energy drinks.  Since I am not currently falling asleep at my desk, I figure this could be a good thing.  Whether or not it -is- a good thing has yet to be seen.  The can is turquoise and silver, with GO GIRL emblazoned across the center with GLO down below in somewhat difficult-to-read letters.  At first I assumed the drink was called Go Girl, but no, that’s the brand.

The flavor, according to the side of the can, is “derived from a refreshing combination of pomegranate and star fruit.”  Now, star fruit tastes pretty weird, but I’m something of a fan of pomegranate.  Hopefully the lower calories doesn’t mean artificial sweeteners.  Let’s look at the ingredient list.

Wow, that’s hard to read.  White on silver.

Liquid sucrose.  That’s not so bad.

Wait, what?  “Super Citrimax”?  Trademarked?  Can they seriously do that?

Ah well, let’s see how this thing tastes.

The strange concoction smells sweet, with an unknown sort of fruity flavor.  Probably the star fruit.  It doesn’t smell cloyingly sweet, so with luck it won’t coat my tongue.  Time to take the dive.

Not bad.  The fruit is a fairly light flavor, and the sweetness isn’t too –wait, no, I take it back.  The aftertaste is a lingering sweetness that more or less overwhelms anything else after a few seconds.  Not as tasty as I had hoped.  Where’s all that sweet coming from?  I hope it’s not ‘Super Citrimax’ considering I have no idea what comprises that.

Oh look, turning the can around I see that it’s a mild herbal appetite suppressant.  This does not sound nice considering I’m drinking it with my lunch.  Oops.  I suppose since it’s marketed to women, it has to have -something- to cater to the stereotypical self-image issues of the female gender.  I hate marketing.

Overall I’d say this thing gets a 3 out of 5.  The taste isn’t bad – if a bit too sweet for my particular taste buds, especially the aftertaste.  I do wish it had a bit more pomegranate flavor in there.  If you’re looking for something that doesn’t give you jitters followed by a hard crash though, the lower caffeine content (only 75mg) is a nice change.  I could do without the appetite suppressant, but how can you go wrong with something that’s supposed to help make your skin healthier?

And now, my turn with an old favourite, Purdey’s.

I’ve loved Purdey’s I was a little kid. I remember there being a gold bottle variety too, but I haven’t seen it in a long time. Either way, this drink claims “to help towards your well-being and provide a healthy and immediate way to feel refreshed at any time.”

So does it? In my experience, short answer yes. Long answer: Yeeeeeeeeeeeee-

Though really, it’s a good drink, though expensive. UK readers may find it on a BOGOF (buy one get one free) offer at their local Holland & Barratt. The bottle is an imposing silver thing that looks almost futuristic, or like something you’d expect to find at a Pret A Manger. The bottle is glass, so has a pretty nice weight to it, if a little oversized in my tiny hands.

The smell is pretty unique to Purdey’s. I’ve never encountered another drink that smells (or tastes) quite like it. The smell is very bitter, almost like a sour apple. Which is natural, I guess, since it contains B vitamins and apple juice. For the more sensitive noses, ginseng is also a pretty prominent scent too. And really, aside some grape juice and other vitamins, there’s not much more to it. A simple concoction without a mile-long ingredient list. I approve.

The taste? It’s good! A fruit flavour that may well be the original “energy drink” tang, but not nearly as sugary. The bitterness of the B vitamins somehow complement the flavour, and it turns into a particularly refreshing, pleasant drink. I’ve loved Purdey’s since I was little, so it’s hard to explain much more. But it could well be the one “original” energy drink in my eyes. UK readers, do try and nab yourselves a bottle of what I would refer to as a quintessential British drink.

Last up, the one I’ve probably mentioned to everybody and the kitchen sink; Pussy.

I confess, it was curiosity and a bargain price at the Yeovilton Air Day that made me review this. I’ve heard of it, and every time I look at the can I want to snort loudly like a schoolkid. Particularly the blurb where it states the name “creates talkability”. No, it creates a bunch of students going up to everybody and asking for Pussy/offering Pussy. This is more disastrous than the Wii. Mostly because it’s more internationally humourous.

The can is nice. It’s minimalistic, and has a crest that…I don’t know, is supposed to inspire thoughts of frat houses? Given its name, I’d wager it was designed in frat house. At the bottom, in a nice cursive font is “100% Natural Ingredients”, and I wonder, just for a moment, how artificial it will taste. Time to crack it open.

It smells just like passionfruit. Which is bizarre, since it claims to be lychee flavoured, and you know what was definitely lychee flavoured? NeuroSport. Regardless, there’s really no other flavour in there. No bitterness, no ginseng smell, nothing.

Wait, hold on. *looks at blurb, looks at ingredients list* There’s no lychee juice here, and since it’s natural, no flavourings to make it like that! How can it be lychee when it contains none? You can’t just…magic flavour out of grape and lime juice! How does it even smell of passionfruit?! asfhljkewhrwgjwgnkweghgh-

Okay, okay, I’m tasting. I’m drinking my can of Pussy juic-*snrk*

This…this isn’t lychee. I’m honestly disappointed. I’m not even sure what the hell it tastes like. The passionfruit flavour is there, but now it’s smothered with…apparently white grape? And the ‘botanical extracts’ part, which amount to *breath* Guruana, Siberian Ginseng, Milk Thistle, Gingko Biloba, Schizandra and Sarsaparilla. No wonder it’s so confused about what to taste like. I still don’t know where the passionfruit flavour comes from. ¯\(°_0)/¯

I really don’t know what to make of this. It’s not an atrocity, it’s just…I don’t….my brain hurts. I’m gonna go lay down for a bit.

Seriously, what the hell.

The first pancake created was like eating watery, weak scrambled eggs with coconut added, and the texture left a whole lot to be desired. So more coconut was added, same result. The pancakes also liked to burn in record time, and were pretty impossible to flip. Realising this was probably due to the coconut flour not combining with the liquids very well, hemp flour was added.

As much as I’d like hemp flour to just be ground up hemp buds and leaves, it unfortunately isn’t, nor will it get you high. However, it seemed to impart the desired texture, and the new mix went on the pan. The result was sadly similar, and with more solids added, it began to stop cooking in the middle, leaving an unpleasant, uncooked gooey centre. I mean that in a bad way. Not like brownies which are amazing.

Losing patience fast, I decided to add spelt flour, which is as close to normal flour as I’ll ever see in this family, short of going on a pie binge.

The result was…..even less than ideal. Greasy, burnt on the outside and entirely raw in the centre, the Frankenstein monster I called “pancake” was nearly inedible for its taste and texture.

I guess this goes to show, that even though I’m a good cook, low-carb food is f***ing confusing and awful.

Regardless, starting with the NeuroSport bottle -which I feel the urge to note is non-carbonated-, I feel vaguely comforted by the bold print of “NO ARTIFICIAL COLOURS & FLAVOURS”…then heartbroken, because it’s sweetened with sucralose. However, in the last few months I seem to have grown a palate for that flavour, and my favourite energy drink Monster Lo-Carb is actually sweetened mostly with the substance. However, unlike Monster, this contains “Sodium, Potassium, Calcium, Zinc, Phosphorous, Magnesium, Selenium, Manganese, Copper, Chromium, Molybdenum and Chloride”…Sounds like an interesting combination suitable for restoring lost minerals and salt from being ill, or as it suggests, working out. Underneath the impressive mineral list is their slogan, in bold white letters; “DRINK SMART, DRINK NEURO“, and I could swear it’s a slogan I’ve seen on so many other drinks.

Cracking it open, I’m a little disappointed in the cap, which reveals a standard 500ml bottle opening, just like the average bottle of Coke or Dr. Pepper. Which is a shame, really, since I thought it would open in a fashion similar to the older Evian water bottles, which were honestly cryptic in their opening method, as a child.

So the smell? Lychees. I love lychees, so this is a huge plus point to me. If you don’t know how lychees smell, then it’s hard to describe. Imagine a very, very sweet variety of melon. No, sweeter than that. Regardless, the smell alone is making my mouth water with good memories of making bubble tea with lychee juice in place of the actual tea part.

How does it taste? Goddamn awesome. While the undeniable bitter tang of sucralose is there, it’s surprisingly well masked by the blissfully mild flavour of, yes, lychees! Somewhat thankfully, the flavour isn’t nearly as strong as actual lychee juice, which is a drink that I strictly reserve for sipping. Those of you who know me in person will know how crazily fast I can chug down drinks when I’m thirsty.

This means that NeuroSport gets a big thumbs up for being massively tasty, only 37 calories per bottle!!!!1!one if that’s your schtick in diets, and being a pretty good option for restoring minerals in the event of illness (or getting sunstroke like I did last weekend). This is pretty monumental, given my past experiences with anything not produced by Monster.

But hear ye! There is still yet one more Neurobrand product to drink today!

NeuroBliss, which claims to be a “mood enhancement” drink, and unlike the Sport variety is lightly carbonated. Which means after transit and being unceremoniously tossed in the fridge, it’s going to explode its milky white contents all over me just like-

I jest, I jest. So! NeuroBliss, containing “Acetyl-L-Carnitine, Gingko biloba, Chamomile and Siberian ginseng” looks like….a pretty odd line-up, honestly. Chamomile is a “downer” and ginseng an “upper”, which is a cause for a raised eyebrow, since I’ve always avoided mixing the two. Which is why you’ll rarely, if ever, see me mix alcohol with energy drinks, no matter how damn popular it is. But alas, I must continue for the sake of science..and morbid curiosity. More the latter than the former, to be honest.

The smell is what I’d call interesting. Not in a sarcastic “oh lol u mean its horrible” way, but I mean seriously, it’s interesting. On a first sniff, it smells just like run-of-the-mill tangy, cloudy lemonade. Nothing out of the ordinary. Take a long sniff and the smell changes distinctly. I’m honestly finding it hard to describe what exactly, this monstrosity has turned into. It’s a smell that I recall from my childhood, the smell of L’Oreal’s kiddie shampoo, the smell of bad, artificial marzipan flavouring and the inevitable acidic tinge of cyanide that follows along with it. Also, this one glue I used to use as a kid with fumes that would get you high from 10 foot away and smelled like marzipan. And used cyanide to glue things.

Suddenly, I’m not so keen on even putting my lips near this. But I do. Because I’m putting common sense behind me and letting stupid take the reigns just for you! Isn’t that nice?

Ow. I’m not sure how, but the bubbles from its light carbonation are like spontaneously getting pins and needles in my mouth and over everything it touches. The taste? The taste is…it’s um…It’s interesting. Yes, it tastes similarly to its smell, with the cloying, sickly edge of sucralose that is more prominent in this than the prior drink. I suppose if it tastes like it smells, then it tastes of soap, marzipan and death. Which….is pretty accurate actually. At the same time, for the more artificial sweetener-hardened among you, it may even taste pleasant. If you like soap, almonds and death. And pins and needles.

For something that sounded so pleasant on the bottle, and with NeuroSport’s vampire-sparkling review, I feel a little bad about this so lowly. It gets nicer the more you go through the bottle, but still pretty grim, all things considered. Maybe the alledged ‘mood enhancement’ the bottle boasts will take effect and I’ll stop caring that I feel like I just swallowed a mixture of L’Oreal kids shampoo, marzipan, pear drops and cyanide.

Wait, this review got to just about 1000 words? Damn.

I guess I’ll write more interesting things later.

So, I said I’d write about this here, to avoid spamming up Twitter something horrendous. I don’t really like writing about my personal life here on TMD, and prefer to take a more objective approach to how I run this place and what I put on it. Even if that does entail mostly talking about how godawful energy shots are.

But I guess this is of enough significance -to me, at least- to warrant an entire post. The lead-up to this has been long, fraught with depression, apathy, hatred and a whole host of other things that right now, just leave me feeling lost and slightly broken. A lot broken. It’s been an interesting two years. And don’t get me wrong, this isn’t some wah-Lu-is-emo-about-teenage-drama entry, it’s something a lot more grown up, particularly for me. I’m aware my track record for drama is pretty shameful.

Either way, here I am. It’s 7:20pm at the time of writing, I’ve just started on my second can of Monster, the sun is starting to dip behind the clouds and my mood is best described as “dead and empty.” Results day is on Tuesday, and suddenly the point of this becomes clearer. I can’t say I’ve been happy with this second year of tuition. If, of course, you can call it that. About the only thing I’ve learned is how to think of games as something more than what you play, and that was thanks to a single class. Which, incidentally, isn’t what I paid £3000 for. I didn’t pay 3k to be told to look things up on Google or ask another student. I’m aware that yes, some of the modules that the class has are very hard, and extensive, but moreover, why? There are entire degrees dedicated to this module’s kind of work, why not just make a simpler (a LOT simpler) version and actually teach us something? I found -and continue to find myself- tripping up at the most basic problems, before I can even get to complex methods (which there are plenty of tutorials around for.)

I can’t actually think, beyond Interactive Games Culture, of anything I’ve learned in an entire year that I couldn’t have taught myself. Instead, I’ve just been stressed, annoyed, and my skills have been deteriorating from the sheer breadth of things I need to learn. There’s just too much variety forced on, and instead of giving me a wide set of skills, has just given me a wide set of mediocre skills. I honestly would have been better off learning this in my own time. I would have been financially better off, too. This degree is far too experimental, too poorly handled and generally speaking, too damn difficult for what it is. There’s 3rd year medical students saying our second year is harder and more unfair than their final year. And they’re doing medicine! That’s regarded as one of the hardest degrees in education, next to things like law.

And it’s heartbreaking, really, since the few skills I have that I had any kind of confidence in have stopped growing because I just haven’t had the time to nurture them properly. My writing for the most part is fine. It’s the only thing I still have any kind of confidence in, but my drawing skills have deteriorated, and grown lacklustre. It’s like losing a limb. Whenever I hit art blocks, I used to sit down and play some games til my inspiration came back, but I haven’t even been able to do that, because every time I even try and play a game, the side of my brain that’s been conditioned to break down games is so embittered from how much trash I’ve had to put up with as a “budding games designer” that it near-instantly kills any enjoyment.

So without art and games, the two things that I have always felt as my defining hobbies (beyond my multitude of others like locksport, 40K and of course, this blog,) what am I? And yes, it sounds a bit dramatic, and a bit extreme, but I really have no passion left for becoming a games designer, if that’s at all what I wanted to be. Which, retrospectively, it’s not. All I’ve wanted to be since I was a very, very small child is to be a concept artist, an artist for games. I didn’t want to be an animator, an “ideas guy” or anything like that. I wanted to be an artist, and the skills I need to be an artist have been atrophying for the last two years, because they haven’t been nurtured.

I’m not some crazily talented super-child like some of the people seem to be. I’m just average. But that’s fine with me. Better average and sane than stupidly talented and pressured to the bone by your tutors. I never understood that; why do the talented ones get all the assistance and attention from tutors while the ones who actually need their help are left to fumble and struggle in the dark? Another point of contempt with this education.

All in all, I don’t think I want to do this any longer. Before the year is over, I may even be transferring to a different university, because I just don’t feel like this is for me any more. It’s not for me, it’s not what I want to be, and I’m at my wits end trying to cope with it.

I’m sorry.

It was around 3pm, and the sky was grey, but the heat made me weak. I’d spotted some towels outside a shop, dark red, and figured I had the cash to spare. Distracted by a call from my parents, I seated myself at a public bench and talked. About 2 minutes later, a crack pierced my ears, followed by an almighty plastic-metallic crash. Head spun, behind me, the sign outside the shop had freed itself from its fixture, and fallen. Trapped under the weighty sign, unconscious and trapped by its weight, crushed by the impact was a woman in her 60s. Distantly, I became aware of the phonecall I’d gone silent on, and calmly informed my mother what had happened.

No more than five seconds later, a bystander had rushed over to lift the huge sign from the woman, more knelt to her side to check for breathing. Crowds started to form, crowding the unconscious victim. A child started to cry, adolescent quips of “somebody’s getting sued” filled my ears as I gave a broken commentary to my parents on the phone. I couldn’t help but wonder how many people took photos before they called emergency services. How many put spectacle before help.

I watched, silent as an ambulance arrived. Around me, people in tears, hysterics -as if they were suddenly aware of their own mortality-or overcome emotionally by the injury of another human being. I felt nothing, as if dead inside. ‘It’s not that I’m disrespectful. It’s not that I feel nothing for the family or the injured woman,’ I thought as I held the call to take a photo. Quite the opposite, I hoped nothing more than for woman to be okay, as I caught glimpses of her arms moving, a distant, weak voice in the shocked crowds. Still, I couldn’t help if the deadness to it made me a monster, as I observed the shocked and stunned crowds around me.

Police arrived, shooing off the crowds in thick Yorkshire accents; “Owt to see ‘ere. Move along, move along.” Still, people stayed, watching like hawks from the sidelines, including me. I didn’t leave til I saw the injured woman get carted into the ambulance, strapped down onto a stretcher, head immobilised. Police took notes from witnesses, shop staff and manager stood outside, raised voices of argument over the crowds. Sun now out of the clouds, blazing and making me wince with nausea. Slipping away with a glance over my shoulder at the wrecked shop front and the crowd of onlookers, I let out as a shaky breath.

I can’t help but feel if I’d gone and bought that towel -if I hadn’t been distracted by that call- I would have been the one crushed under there. Say it again, the word of the day. It seems almost prophetic.

It's like the Monster BFC and energy shot had a baby.

I wouldn’t hesitate to say that I’m a fan of the energy drinks made by the Monster Beverage Company. I found their concoctions too cloying for my tastes originally, but over time, the taste has grown on me, not unlike some kind of culture. By far my favourite is Monster Khaos, accurately described by my cohort, Gravecat as “A Monster-ized version of Relentless Inferno.” Not much more really needs to be said, if you’re familiar with both brands of caffeinated deliciousness.

But that’s not what I’m here for today. The reason I’m here is because my curiosity was piqued by a Red Bull-sized can, branded as Monster Export, which I’m informed is the European name for Monster Nitrous in the USA. The side of the can with the standard spiel says “Same big buzz, sexy little can”, and this confuses me, for you see, it actually contains less caffeine than the average can of Monster, at half the size. The can of Khaos I have here is 32mg of caffeine per 100ml, and Export contains slightly less, at 30.5mg of caffeine per 100ml. I’m not sure if this has something to do with laws surrounding ‘high caffeine content’ (when the average cup of coffee contains far, far more), or if it really is just silly marketing spiel.

Regardless of this confusion, it’s time to crack open the can and see what it’s like.

It smells like normal Monster. That unidentifiable “fruit” scent, mixed with the bitter acrid tones of B-vitamins and sucralose. Despite my constant vitriol-spewing towards my most hated of sweeteners, every Monster drink somehow manages to make that taste work in its favour. And you know what? It tastes just like regular Monster, too. Cloyingly sweet, impossibly fruity with flavours unknown to man (unlike the distinguishable “bubblegum” flavour with Rockstar and Relentless’ “energy drink” flavour.) It used to make me cringe in horror a year back, but now, its sweetness and odd candy-like flavour is a welcome flavour on my tastebuds. Except Monster Ripper, which really does just take it one step too damn far.

There’s a reason for this. Coca-Cola Enterprises has actually been rebranding things, as revealed in this article from The Publican. This of course has caused confusion with US friends who have an entirely different (and far broader) range of Monster cans. Ultimately, this isn’t a UK version of Monster Nitrous, it’s just a smaller, weaker can to match with the more common 250ml range of energy drinks. That’s not to say it’s bad, just wholeheartedly disappointing, as what I’m receiving in the end is half the deliciousness I wanted.

I can’t honestly say to buy this. Just go and find yourself a normal 500ml can of the Monster of your choice, and enjoy.

(It’s worth noting that the links below are very not-safe-for-work, due to the language involved, but is probably my favourite LetsPlay of the classic Sonic series.)

Regardless of that rather shameful fact in my life, the first three Sonic games had some of the best -and sometimes worst- design going for them. And Sega is all too aware of this fact. The trends were really set around the time of Sonic the Hedgehog 2, which took the favourites from the first of the game and just improved on them, or gave them new twists. Spring Yard Zone became the Casino Night Zone, Green Hill turned into Emerald Hill, Scrap Brain to Chemical Plant, Labyrinth into Aquatic Ruin, Marble to Hill Top. Okay, so some of these weren’t exactly upgrades or exact copies, but they were certainly spiritual successors. I’ve never been a fan of the Spring Yard/Casino series (ASDFG BUMPERS), but I nearly always enjoyed their music, and the successors to Scrap Brain/Chemical Plant have usually been pretty damn good.

All truth told, one of my favourite Hill zones has always been Mushroom Hill. It’s slow, windy, has pointless gimmicks at times, but I enjoyed it the most visually, alongside its elder sibling Angel Island Zone. And that was the third incarnation of the Hill series. Close enough to be a clear successor, different enough for its own charm. It’s safe to say that I’ve honestly enjoyed the musics of all three (four including S&K) of the Mega Drive-era games, even the ones that are a little…slower. So why am I calling this Rehashes and Lost Magic, if I’ve only talked about how much I enjoyed the “rehashes”?

And this is where my complaint begins. Every successor to the zones in the Mega Drive era was a new twist, with new music, and certainly worthy of the title “remake” over “rehash”, the latter being significantly more snide and bitter. I’m all for remakes and refreshers of zones that I love, but….not like this.

I’m being vague, allow me to start with the finger-pointing. Sonic Rush and Sonic Rush Adventure, cut it the hell out. I love some of these zones, and you are just making them again, only missing all the charm. Let’s start with offender #1, Sonic Rush. Leaf Storm is…it’s an okay level, but it just screams of Angel Island Zone, with none of the charm. Also, there’s almost no “ground” of which to speak. It’s mostly rails and all suspended in the air. Like Mushroom Hill, actually. This has been a pretty annoying trend since the Advance games, which I really should refer to more at this point, but they really did get a lot of their remakes right.

And Water Palace? Water Palace is everything I could possibly hate in a level. Endless legions of water, and all the slowness and annoyances from Labyrinth, Hydrocity and Aquatic Ruin. At the same time, the music is verging on obnoxious hip-hop/rap/DnB in the background. And it sounds awful when you’re crawling through the water at 0mph. My annoyances continue with Mirage Road and Night Carnival. Mirage Road being a very close copy of the beloved Sandopolis Zone, with a few (read: a lot of) annoying gimmicks that totally ruin it for me. And Night Carnival should be obvious enough in its name, if you know the Sonic series well enough. And being a fan of the aesthetic look and gimmicky nature of the Night Zone series, this doesn’t actually fail! It’s got all the flashy bells and whistles and garish colours that make me want to take a pickaxe to my eyes. And I mean that in the most loving way possible.

“But Lu,” you say, flailing the title of this post at me in a fashion not unlike a child with a rattle “you don’t like rehashes!” And I don’t. Night Carnival is just one that tried very hard, and failed. It suffers from some of the most godawful “bottomless pit syndrome” I’ve seen in a Sonic game since – yes, the Advance series. But bottomless pits aside, I honestly enjoyed the aesthetic design and music in the Advance games. It wasn’t the hardest or most gimmicky series in the world -perhaps with an exception to Music Plant- but it was fun. The Rush series is fun sometimes. I haven’t actually completed the first game due to bottomless pits on Altitude Limit. Great name. Incidentally, Altitude Limit seems to be a shady rehash of Wing Fortress. Only not fun. It’s….a bit of a mess, actually. And to be fair, Huge Crisis is a closer comparison.

The trend continues in Rush Adventure, with levels that aren’t just spiritual successors, but are referencing original levels while self-referencing the first game. What an awful cycle. Plant Kingdom is Leaf Storm is Leaf Forest is Mushroom Hill is Green Hill is-

STOP. Breaktime. YouTube video qualities are dipping.

…Maybe I’m sounding too picky. Maybe I sound too bitter, but the truth is that these levels, while trying to imitate the fun of their predecessors, fail entirely. The music frequently makes me want to drive a pickaxe -once I yanked it out of my eyes- into my ears, though Rush Adventure did thankfully make a few improvements. Just a few. The music is mostly improved, and fits the levels, though the levels themselves are uninspired and feel bland. Machine Labyrinth, for example, is a re-skinned Chemical Plant. Only with irritating gimmicks and bullshit enemies. The whole level has been re-skinned to fit a steampunk theme, which annoys me on principle, since steampunk is a desperately overdone fad these days. I guess it’s kind of like Metropolis Zone in that regard. The other major issue I have with both Rush games is that it feels like I’m rarely in control, with so many bizarre gimmicks that remind me of Labyrinth Zone. Only without the infinite loops.

Still, I feel like some magic has been lost, even when I should clearly and plainly adore these levels. Even the music takes a downturn, though I feel every time vocals are included in a Sonic OST, this is inevitable. Though here I am, listening to the Sonic 4 OST, and pulling a :/ face, just because it inspires nothing, and is generally nothing to remember. Also, I think Sega are obsessed with the word “labyrinth”. There are other words in the dictionary. Use them.

I’m getting off track again. The point I’m trying to make is that while Sonic 2 and Sonic 3 & Knuckles had their levels that could be considered “rehashes” or Frankenstein monsters of previous levels, they were at least fun. Most of them, that is. We all know how much “fun” water is. Even the Advance series aesthetic and sound design was pretty damn close to the Sonic spirit. It still…missed the mark on occasions, especially with its chronic “bottomless pit syndrome”. And all of Advance 3′s gameplay. With the Rush series in particular, the design just seems to be rehashed asset changes, rather than properly remade, and at points I feel like I could let go of the d-pad entirely with how much of it is on rails or little gimmicky travellator-things…. I think I just invented a word.

Though, with Sonic 4 Episode 1‘s release date looming, and its uninspiring OST in iTunes, which sounds somewhat good in 16bit, I have to say, quite sadly, that those days are long gone. They were gone when I finished playing S3&K.

I can dream, though.

Look at the bottle, not at the Steam list.

I thought after my last experience I’d just stop buying these damn things. But no, curiosity gets the better of me again while I trawl through the local corner shop for foods, and I pick up the £1.99 shot of TARGET ENERGY SHOT. This thing could not get more boastful and obnoxious if it tried. This is the “original” flavour of energy shot, which gives no indication of its actual taste. Not even a generic “INTENSE FRUIT FLAVOUR” on the description on the back. It’s worth noting that the packaging was a pain in the ass to open, requiring the closest object to hand to stab through the plastic wrap. That, incidentally, was a lockpick. Not just for locks!

Less-than-fond memories of dentists.

So, I crack it open and peer inside. My eyeballs are practically seared by how pink it is. I mean, seriously, look at this stuff, it looks like mouthwash. And the smell? I can’t even begin to describe what this is. It’s…it’s actually kind of like mouthwash, but with the sour, bitter scent of sorel, and that bizarre, generic candy scent. There’s something else undiscernible in there, something sinister, waiting to grab me by the throat and maim me. This does not bode well for our heroine, this much can be said. So, with a brave breath, time to sip and see what happens.

A sip from the cap, and a semi-pleasant, if cloying taste washes over my tongue. Much like its scent, it is quite like a child’s toothpaste or mouthwash. Not exactly ideal, but-AUGH!

Cloying sweetness gives way to one of the most undeniably bitter flavours in the world, and my mouth turns salty with the desperate desire to throw up immediately. Swallowing bile and this disgusting concoction down. I’m kind of just shaking with how quickly an “alright” experience turned into something horrific, far outstripping Quick Energy and even the dreaded Lucozade. Prickling, hateful bitterness, much like chewing paracetamol, slips down my throat, coated and sticking to every tastebud with napalm-like artificial sweeteners, I’m left in wonder of just exactly what they were thinking when this was made. It’s not even like all energy shots are bad, there’s some pretty good ones out there!

I want my £1.99 back. And my stomach.

Coming in a rather adorable box that both in name and appearance reminds me of the kind of shops I frequent in Glastonbury (it’s full of hippies, if that clues you in), with a sleepy little bear on the front sat in front a fire. It’s a little bit quaint and sweet, if I do say so myself.

As for how it is? Well, I have nothing but positive remarks for this wonderful tea. The bags themselves don’t smell of much else but mild spearmint, which is contained in this rather elaborate concoction of *deep breath* “Chamomile, Spearmint, Lemongrass, Tilia Flowers, Blackberry Leaves Orange Blossoms, Hawthorn Berries and Rosebuds“. The only other real scents are more earthy, with the light sweet scent of camomile, which in regards to tea is one of my oldest friends. So, in the cup the bag goes and about half a teaspoon of agave nectar, as it’s a rare day when I don’t sweeten my tea just a tiny, tiny bit.

In goes the water, and now, to wait. The water turns from a sort of pale yellow to a deep amber-yellow colour over a few minutes, and the smell changes for the better. The spearmint is still there, but now accompanied by the warm sweetness of camomile, the bright zestiness of lemongrass, and the wonderful floral qualities of orange blossom and rose. The flavour is just brilliant, and no part outshines the other, creating a warming, soothing flavour that reminds me, quite oddly, of my childhood. Yes, it is a tea intended for helping you to sleep, but as I’m a horrendously high-strung person by nature, the calming effect just makes me a bit more level.

So, at the end of this mug, and an oddly positive review from me, I would honestly tell anybody to go out and get a box of this right now. Like, at this very moment.

GO!

Evil Dead - I honestly expected the singular story in this section to be better. The two series seem like an unlikely, yet entirely compatible combination if played right. Freddy vs Jason vs Ash was an excellent example of how the Evil Dead series can quite happily nest itself within something more serious. However, plagued by both Dante and Ash being hugely out of character, and the entire setting to be disjointed and bizarre, this falls flat on its face before it ever got going. Of course, these flaws are barely assisted by the writer’s rudimentary writing, and inability to spell the simplest of words.

House M.D. - Oh…oh dear. You would probably have to be god himself to get this combination to work well, and while I would like to see the result of mixing Dante’s inflammatory personality with House’s bitter and acerbic nature, I couldn’t even make it past the second chapter of what I can only describe as drivel. The story opens with some bland and oversexed -yet totally an independent feminist!- Mary-Sue saving the titular white-haired hero from some unknown illness. Vagueness in location seems to be a staple of these stories, and events such as Devil Triggering in the middle of a public place with no reaction just seal that the writer is somebody who either has little more than a passing interest in these things, or their adoration has blinded their common sense.

Pokemon - Everything has a Pokemon crossover. Everything. Some of these crossovers work, be it through well-matched franchises or an act of god and good writing. This is not one of those. Single-line writing with no flow and a new paragraph between every line of speech shows the markings of somebody with no experience in the field of writing anything beyond a basic high school essay. The story itself is a nothing. The crossover tries to do something quite frankly ridiculous, and winds up only being related to either by names alone, as if the writer had even less of an interest in Pokemon and DMC than the writer of the nauseating House M.D. fiction.

Twilight – …..Augh. My stomach churns every time I start thinking about that wretched book series, and the millions it’s earned a talentless hack. Worse yet, I get migranes whenever I think about the fans. I am a firm believer in Twilight fans being the worst kind of fans to ever walk this planet, and this section proves it all the more, each day. Did you know? There are Warhammer 40K/Twilight crossovers. Ones where Avitus turns into a vampire. But that’s for another time. This time is for Devil May Cry, and good god is it a treasure trove of baloney. You heard me. Baloney. I mean, honestly? Bella being the sister of Dante and Vergil? And being a half-demon? As if she wasn’t too special a snowflake already. The awfulness of that story, which in my opinion is the worst, is again compounded by horrifically short one-line paragraphs, tense switches, comma abuse, terrible grammar, bad spelling and -you guessed it- characters being tremendously out of character. I hate Twilight. Just a little more each day.

Naruto - Much like Pokemon, everything seems to have a Naruto crossover. What I wasn’t expecting was the sheer volume of the crossovers. Fifty-five of them. Fifty-five! I’m staring at this number and just trying to fathom how that many people all thought it would be a simply marvellous idea to cross over Devil May Cry with Naruto. I’m not even going to point out any story in particular, there’s that many. The synopses are enough to spell out exactly what kind of dross we’re dealing with here, and quite frankly, I’m stunned. This takes the cake. Not just from how poorly matched up these two franchises are, but from how many people wrote stories for it!

Sonic the Hedgehog – I love Sonic. I really do. He’s getting on a bit and he’s rough around the edges, and his new games aren’t great. But I love him. This crossover is unlikely, incompatible, and hilarious. It transcends the other varieties of terrible I’ve given examples of and just devolves into hilarity. While the writer can spell, which they earn +1 point for, their grasp upon grammar and pacing is what makes this story funny to me. Things happen instantly, disjointed writing leads to confusion, and horrendously out of character interactions make this story great. Better yet, like the Energizer bunny, it just keeps going and going and going.

So that’s it for now, I guess. There’s a lot more in the crossover categories, some which are entirely sensible, and some that are quite frankly….ridiculous. Either way, there’s a 99% guarantee that whatever you click there -no matter how suitable it seems- will be the most awful writing in the world.

Bonus Story! - I TOLD you everything had a Naruto crossover! Even when it seems completely, totally and utterly impossible, they still manage to do it!

I think I need a stiff drink and a smoke now.